Well, it's all over

I beleive it was friday afternoon (maybe Thrusday but I am sure it was friday) my Fiance' Susanne and I finally ended for good this time.

In a way I wanted it and also didnt want it. I wanted it because she never treats me right. She seems to not know how to be affectionate, being VERY frigid, and this makes her the 3rd woman I have been serious about that has been this way. They start out very affectionate and I even tell them that I am that way and desire it back. They say its all good and such, but after a few months, they always seem to change on me. WTF.

This is a woman that wants me to leave her alone when I pay attention to her, and when I do leave her alone, she gets mad at me for not paying any attention to her. I just dont get that. If you love someone, would you pull away at their every touch day after day?

And yet I wanted to remain with her due to her condition, but I guess I will have to work around that. I also wanted to stay with her cuz I really do love her, I just cant be in love with her unless I want to be hurt all the time. She truely can be a great person when she wants to, but unfortunately that isnt very often.

All well. At least I have someone now in my life that is extremely affectionate and will treat me right.

This page now will be turned into a memoir section about Susanne, all the good memories I have of her. I just hope I can leave out the bad as much as possible because I only want to remember the good times with her.

Good bye Susanne. I will always love you despite all that has happened.

A new poem I wrote at work

I wrote this because my fiancee and I are having some SERIOUS issues, and I dont know how much longer things are going to last, much to my regret. :(


Happiness Challenged

You always ask for space,
No matter what is the case.
Your wish I respect and obey,
But my thoughts I can never say.
My feelings to you matter not,
Lest there is something you want.

Only you consume my every thought,
But me to use you only sought.
Everything I am I gave to you,
My heart on my sleeve for you to view.
But no matter how hard I tried,
You only ever made me cry.

I have risked everything,
I have asked nothing,
But only that you would show,
Your love for me to never go.

I have much love to give,
I have a lot of life to live,
For like the ones in my past,
Your love too did not last.

Is there something wrong with me,
I have no idea what it could be.
Am I too nice and caring,
Maybe too affectionate and sharing?
Do I demand of a love to much,
That I am denied happiness and such?

All I want is someone to hold,
Someone to snuggle when it is cold.
A love who will always be at my side,
Our happiness together we both try.
But I demand of a love too much,
Thus am denied happiness and such.

I might someday set this to music....I really dont know right now. I am not able to think straight anymore. :(

(c)2005, GNB, A.K.A. Merryc Xavier O'Donnell

My Rant For the Holidays

Well, time for me to ramble on about this subject. =D By no means am I trying to be a grinch. I just been thinking about these things for a day and I think its kinda funny. So sit back and enjoy this rant for what it really is.
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This time of year is meant to be a relaxing and joyous occasion. Yet, have you ever noticed how much people get stressed during the holiday season?
Let start with shopping. It seems stores are preparing for christmas earlier and earlier every year. I saw some stores putting up christmas stuff the day after halloween. Ten years down the road, they will start after Easter and 10 years after that they will start after new years. An exageration, maybe; A possibility, definately. Since when has marketing become a part of christmas?
Then with the craziness that occurs in stores on these "Special Sales Days" is as stupid as a screen door on a submarine. People are pushing and shoving each other trying to get that last Oven mit set for a relative who will most likely never use it and most probably give it away to someone else next year. Since when has this type of insanity been a part of christmas?
Next, lets touch on travel. Everyone becomes stressed out because there is so much traffic on the road. Everyone needs to get to Uncle Bob's or Aunt Lisa's house by a certain time on a certain day and they are late due to traffic. So they start driving recklessly to make up for the lost time and accidents happen. Since when has time schedules been a part of christmas?
And when people travel, they dont seem to take into account unforseen events that may arise and again become stressed out over such a thing. "Oh, I am too tired to drive anymore. I better find a place to stay." And when they do get to a hotel, the place is over booked so they take their frustration out on the poor guy behind the counter figuring that if they are miserable, so will everone else. Or these people may argue about rates, or credit card only policies and such events like that. Since when is being self-centered a part of christmas.
And finally, lets talk about socialization. Everyone is all up in arms about going to visit friends and family. "Oh we just gotta go see Aunt Flo!" Do you really think aunt flow, a person who has been miserable and alone for the past 10 years cares if you come and see her? Preparation saves everyone a lot of agrivation. Why not call up Aunt Flo and see if she wants company? "No? Fine then you old bat. Merry Christmas to you too." Since when has intrusion been a part of christmas?
Then there are people who do want some company but no one ever seems to think about. What about the elderly that are stuck in homes that have no living relatives? Dont you think they would appreciate just 5 minutes with another person whose sole intent was to come by and say "Merry Christmas"? Or how about that homeless person you pass by every day who lost everything because of the IRS exploiting a clerical error they made 20 years ago. Dont you think they would like someone to take them somewhere warm, buy them some food and have some decent conversation? Since when has human compassion disappeared from christmas?
So next time you are about to plan something or do something for the holiday season, recall these words of UNwisdom and either get a laugh or hunt me down and club me to death with giant candy canes!
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LOL....Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Frequent Feelings

I wrote this poem tonite while at work. My Fiancee' and I had a fight over something really stupid, but i guess it could be something that built up over a while since any time I talk to her about a problem I have I get snapped at. However, she says she is trying to work on it, and while I do beleive her, I still feel as this poem describes.



Temperatures

The wind is warm,
Embracing me as a lover should,
Feelings of happiness abound within,
Enjoying life as best as one could.

The wind is cold,
Lashing me as a lover does,
Feelings of emptiness only remain,
Regret abounds without love.

Searching for a median,
Hoping as two lovers do,
Feelings of desperation grow,
Doubt of happiness to be true.

(c) 2005, GNB / A.K.A. Merryc Xavier O'Donnell



Then I also found this one. I tried to apologize to her, but she always takes a long time to "cool off" and accept someone's apology. I printed it out while at work and plan to leave it where she can find it in the morning. I hope she likes it.


I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for the times you cried,
and the loneliness you felt inside.
I'm sorry for the way things were,
and the selfishness that you endured.
I'm sorry for the nights we lost,
and the deep pain it must have cost.
I'm sorry for the love you missed,
losing you helped me realize this.
I'm sorry I wasn't the man you deserved,
this has been the hardest lesson learned.
I'm sorry I wasn't there to show,
the deepest love you'll ever know.
I'm sorry for the empty days,
and the stresses that you still yet pay.
I'm sorry for the way I left,
I've never felt so much regret.
I'm sorry for the heart I broke,
that shattered with the words I spoke.
I'm sorry for the empty space,
that laid beside you in my place.
I'm sorry for the empty arms,
you fell into when times were hard.
I'm sorry for the days that passed,
Our love now will surely last.
I'm sorry it took so long to vow,
to love you forever here and now.

(c) Unknown, by Unknown Author

Why, oh why?

Now I sit back at work wondering why I made this blog.

Is it because I want someone to be on my side?

Is it because I dont really have anyone to talk to?

Is it because I want someone to tell me things will be alright?

I just don't know. I do know I love my fiancee' very much despite the pain she puts me through sometimes. She says she hurts those she feels closest too, and she has gotten much better with the way she treats me.

Maybe I am just crying out for advice and help? We will have a stupid arguement about every other week and she said, "I am getting tired of this." We have always worked things out in the past, and I am sure I am the cause of at least 90% of these fights. After talking to her when I got to work I found out that she was hoping for a good-bye kiss when I left, but I left angry and I am usually the one that wants closure. I'm such a screw up sometimes.

I am trying to be better, but it isnt always easy when two people are still learning about each other. I don't know if I am even making any sense anymore. Maybe someone out there can tell me I'm not insane, just a typical male. =D